Posts filed under ‘Dear Diary’

That Blue Bouquet

Maybe it’s true that life gives you the most when you have no expectation at all. The more I grow up, the less I care about those kind of occasions people labelled ‘special’. I spent my valentine’s day at a cafe working.. but ended up having a beautiful dinner.

Walking into the restaurant with papers, laptop, and a very big bag, I was still busy editing work on the phone. He was eating, and starting to complain about me being late for nearly an hour. He was starving. Oops.

To me, it was just another late night dinner with him, until he handed me that blue bouquet. He isn’t one of those romantic peeps. So getting a bouquet from him was quite surprising.


He said blue is his favorite color. Little did he know that it is mine too. They said blue is a happy color. But it’s very cold. It can freeze hearts.

Over dinner, we talked about work, and kinda exchanged thoughts about various topics. That was the most romantic thing we could have. I used to demand more attention. And I didn’t normally settle for less than I deserved. However, these days, with him, I don’t expect. I don’t seek for love, anymore. I am happy this way, being alone and he seems to understand.. I guess.

I can’t thank him enough, as well as other gentlemen who come into my life right now, for the respect they have for me. They know I need more time to heal. I sure do. But after all, life moves on. It moves on.


ខែ​កុម្ភៈ 17, 2018 at 4:04 ល្ងាច បញ្ចេញមតិ

Still Haunting Me

Dear Diary,

After three years, the depression hits me back again hard last week. On Friday, I came back from work, cried for two hours, and took sleeping pills so that I could escape the reality. A workaholic and hyper me all of sudden decided to hibernate two whole afternoons on my day off. The nap lasted for at least five hours. I stayed awake at night trying to convince myself not to take pills. People said it’s bad… Instead, I went to alcohol.

I lost my appetite. Not hungry, not wanting to eat. This morning, I came to a scale in front of my room, and boom! I lost 3kgs since Friday. Isn’t it shocking?

Three years ago, when depression exploded for the very first time, I lost 5kgs in weeks. I didn’t eat at all. And only sleep in my room after working hours. I did not talk to people, and no one could understand.

This time is so much different. I guess perhaps depression awareness is widespread to the extent that people start to understand and open up about depression more. I have friends who are also struggling with depression, and they are generous enough to tug me out of this condition before it’s too late.

It has been a few days, of course since Friday, that they picked me up at home late evening, grabbing a nice dinner (even though I didn’t eat much) and a few drinks. They made me split everything out and listened to me. I’m blessed.

I think I get better, not to the point of normality, but at least a step recover from my emotional breakdown Friday.

Hopefully, this won’t bring me anywhere near suicidal again. It’s still haunting me till now.

With loads of love,
Me, your long lost best friend

ខែតុលា 11, 2017 at 10:18 ព្រឹក បញ្ចេញមតិ


ប្អូន​ស្រឡាញ់​ហ្គេម មិន​ខ្វល់​នរណា​ងាប់​រស់
ហាង​អុបទិក​បិទ​អស់​នៅ​ម៉ោង​៧​កន្លះ​យប់ ទិញ​ខន់ថេក​ឡេន​មិន​បាន

សរុប៖ ថ្ងៃ​អាក្រក់​មួយ

ខែកក្កដា 5, 2014 at 9:36 ល្ងាច មតិ 2


Dear You,

You got me all wrong. You have your tongue and say whatever you think it’s right. I am sorry for not talking, but I am better at writing. So please understand me. It’s not like I didn’t want to help nor not happy to help – not as what you think.

I had a free gap of time that was why I went there for you all. I knew everyone was working hard as hell, and I was going in and out as I please. I wanted to help as much but I couldn’t and I was very sorry for that.

I did what I could – so DON’T tell me what to do. I guess I would have fainted at de shop if I went down cleaning the office. I just knew too well how much strength I had.

I didn’t know what had happened. I was driving back crying.. I really didn’t understand us.. didn’t understand why. Is it my job destroying us? I’m sorry if it’s so.

I don’t know how to help us.. maybe time would heal all wounds. Maybe…


ខែ​ឧសភា 2, 2013 at 10:24 ព្រឹក បញ្ចេញមតិ


Dear You (s),

I have been trying very hard these few years to keep you two together.. I know every couple fights but an old couple like you two fights then holds grudge against each other this long, I don’t know how this is possible.

I spent so much tears in front of other people asking them if they could help reunited you before I figured everything out maself.. You didnt know how hard it was, did you? Until now that you two break again and again, I wonder why.. I really wonder why. You stay together because you love each other OR just because of us?

Is it that hard to stay together? Then don’t. You don’t have to feel bad for us.. We dn’t need it because you staying together and acting this weird, no one can stand. So please don’t.



ខែមករា 21, 2013 at 4:33 ល្ងាច បញ្ចេញមតិ

Keep Complaining

Dear YOU,

It has been so hard. I cried maself to sleep last night.. but it’s good to get up de old hardheaded me. The email, the photos.. that’s too much and I cant even talk to anyone about it, YET.

I wish we could talk de way we used to.. It would be much easier for me to live this little life.

Maybe some day soon, we will pretend we are just frnd. We’ll chat and ask each other about our day, and stuffs.. then I will complain you about what I’ve been stressed with blah blah blah.. de email i read.. de photos i saw.. then you will be there to comfort me not to think much.. just like old days, remember?

Maybe some day..

I miss you.

ខែធ្នូ 17, 2012 at 11:45 ព្រឹក បញ្ចេញមតិ

Downs in Life

Dear Diary,

I need some strength to move forward. Many good things keep running to me these last few months, but strength is in need to pull maself up from the ground, stand up, and step forward again.

Yesterday was dreadful. I was so down and stressful, but everything got so much better after dinner.

I wish grandma was here so that I could hold her tight, sleep on her lap, and listen to her complaining about random stuffs.. that would distract me from the world around and I could rest ma mind to peace.

I’m sick these few days. Every time I arrive home, all I wanna do is to keep my eyes shut and fall asleep, yet I cant do all those things. Gotta sit up and think more.. read more.. do more.. I wish grandma was here so that she could tell me to stop and drag me to sleep.

I miss grandma a lot.

I wish to drive to visit her but damn.. I can’t yet.

ខែកញ្ញា 26, 2012 at 2:41 ល្ងាច បញ្ចេញមតិ



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