Posts filed under ‘Dear Diary’

The Last Letter

A Hopeless Romance

This is another night I lay sleepless. Three months have passed. I have been questioning myself ten thousands things. My head came up with different scenarios which might have been the reason why we arrive this phase.

Tonight, even after the enlightened talk we had, I am questioning myself still, but with different queries: will I ever be able to move on? how do I do that? what if it takes years? will we be the same? what if we gave this a second chance? what if this thing could work if we tried a little more?

It’s stupid and I’m dumb, just like you always call me. First, I don’t know the answers to these questions. Second, even if I could answer them right, I would still fail this test.

My heart bleeds. This love is hopeless, yet I’m still hopeful. But I don’t have any choice now that you have already moved on. I know you want me to do the same, and deep down I know I have to. Yet, my pace is slow. Moving on has never been my favorite thing to do. I just need more time.

I need more time because ‘us’ special, and ‘you’ are different, at least to me. So, I beg you. Bare with me a little. This will end, eventually. I promise.

P.S. I know you hate long texts. Hence, this will probably the last letter I write you, my love.



ខែ​មេសា 5, 2019 at 3:37 ល្ងាច បញ្ចេញមតិ

Diagnosed with Bipolar

Dear Diary,

I’m mentally sick. It’s always been like that. Just depression but now it’s become something else primarily ‘Bipolar’. So far, my doctor said there is only five percents of his patients diagnosed with this illness.

I’ve heard about Bipolar. I’ve learned about it from youtube before. I’ve watched it in movies. But I’ve never imagined becoming one myself. I’m not afraid of Bipolar. Yet, as much as I want to be cured and fully recovered, everyone knows mental illness will never go away. It only gets better or worse..

I’m on medication now. Let’s stay on the bright side and always hope for the best.




ខែកញ្ញា 14, 2018 at 1:49 ល្ងាច បញ្ចេញមតិ

After Five Months

Saturday, in my dictionary, it’s just another typical working day. Despite the hangover from last night, everything went well.. until a text popped up at 12.52pm.

‘Where now? When done?’

Only you asked me that questions. I was amused. You asked as if there was nothing happened between us, as if we were the same. After five months, you wanted to have a coffee. Yeah, why not. Raintree, my base, where I ended up meeting my ex(s) and maybe my next(s) too.

You sat there waiting for me, in that shirt I bought you. When you smiled and said hi, I know I’ve already moved on. You are nothing more than a man I used to know. Over your coffee and my salad, we talked about your family, mostly, and your businesses.. and your feelings. You said you miss me sometimes.. and you want me to be happy. You said you had to leave at 3pm for Kampot. And you stayed until 3:00pm. Your eyes showed me you did not want to leave.

I do not know how broken you are deep down inside. But by talking with you again, I understand why we shouldn’t be together anymore. And also by talking with you today, I know I am totally over you and there is no turning back. I am fine now. I hope you will recover too. Good luck!

ខែ​មីនា 17, 2018 at 7:04 ល្ងាច បញ្ចេញមតិ

That Blue Bouquet

Maybe it’s true that life gives you the most when you have no expectation at all. The more I grow up, the less I care about those kind of occasions people labelled ‘special’. I spent my valentine’s day at a cafe working.. but ended up having a beautiful dinner.

Walking into the restaurant with papers, laptop, and a very big bag, I was still busy editing work on the phone. He was eating, and starting to complain about me being late for nearly an hour. He was starving. Oops.

To me, it was just another late night dinner with him, until he handed me that blue bouquet. He isn’t one of those romantic peeps. So getting a bouquet from him was quite surprising.


He said blue is his favorite color. Little did he know that it is mine too. They said blue is a happy color. But it’s very cold. It can freeze hearts.

Over dinner, we talked about work, and kinda exchanged thoughts about various topics. That was the most romantic thing we could have. I used to demand more attention. And I didn’t normally settle for less than I deserved. However, these days, with him, I don’t expect. I don’t seek for love, anymore. I am happy this way, being alone and he seems to understand.. I guess.

I can’t thank him enough, as well as other gentlemen who come into my life right now, for the respect they have for me. They know I need more time to heal. I sure do. But after all, life moves on. It moves on.

ខែ​កុម្ភៈ 17, 2018 at 4:04 ល្ងាច បញ្ចេញមតិ

Still Haunting Me

Dear Diary,

After three years, the depression hits me back again hard last week. On Friday, I came back from work, cried for two hours, and took sleeping pills so that I could escape the reality. A workaholic and hyper me all of sudden decided to hibernate two whole afternoons on my day off. The nap lasted for at least five hours. I stayed awake at night trying to convince myself not to take pills. People said it’s bad… Instead, I went to alcohol.

I lost my appetite. Not hungry, not wanting to eat. This morning, I came to a scale in front of my room, and boom! I lost 3kgs since Friday. Isn’t it shocking?

Three years ago, when depression exploded for the very first time, I lost 5kgs in weeks. I didn’t eat at all. And only sleep in my room after working hours. I did not talk to people, and no one could understand.

This time is so much different. I guess perhaps depression awareness is widespread to the extent that people start to understand and open up about depression more. I have friends who are also struggling with depression, and they are generous enough to tug me out of this condition before it’s too late.

It has been a few days, of course since Friday, that they picked me up at home late evening, grabbing a nice dinner (even though I didn’t eat much) and a few drinks. They made me split everything out and listened to me. I’m blessed.

I think I get better, not to the point of normality, but at least a step recover from my emotional breakdown Friday.

Hopefully, this won’t bring me anywhere near suicidal again. It’s still haunting me till now.

With loads of love,
Me, your long lost best friend

ខែតុលា 11, 2017 at 10:18 ព្រឹក បញ្ចេញមតិ


ប្អូន​ស្រឡាញ់​ហ្គេម មិន​ខ្វល់​នរណា​ងាប់​រស់
ហាង​អុបទិក​បិទ​អស់​នៅ​ម៉ោង​៧​កន្លះ​យប់ ទិញ​ខន់ថេក​ឡេន​មិន​បាន

សរុប៖ ថ្ងៃ​អាក្រក់​មួយ

ខែកក្កដា 5, 2014 at 9:36 ល្ងាច មតិ 2


Dear You,

You got me all wrong. You have your tongue and say whatever you think it’s right. I am sorry for not talking, but I am better at writing. So please understand me. It’s not like I didn’t want to help nor not happy to help – not as what you think.

I had a free gap of time that was why I went there for you all. I knew everyone was working hard as hell, and I was going in and out as I please. I wanted to help as much but I couldn’t and I was very sorry for that.

I did what I could – so DON’T tell me what to do. I guess I would have fainted at de shop if I went down cleaning the office. I just knew too well how much strength I had.

I didn’t know what had happened. I was driving back crying.. I really didn’t understand us.. didn’t understand why. Is it my job destroying us? I’m sorry if it’s so.

I don’t know how to help us.. maybe time would heal all wounds. Maybe…


ខែ​ឧសភា 2, 2013 at 10:24 ព្រឹក បញ្ចេញមតិ


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